I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
