At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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