You can't special order awesome
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
