I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
