I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
