So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
