You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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