Where is the hickey?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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