whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
