i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
