Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
