What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
