it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
