I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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