So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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