Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
