Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
