Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
