Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
