i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
