The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
