tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
