My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
