No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
