I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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