I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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