Im at strip club and am horny
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
