her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
