i need an iv and a liver transplant
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
