woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
