i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
