my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
