So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I didn't notice because vodka
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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