she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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