My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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