Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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