and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
