I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
