I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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