the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
