i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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