i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
