I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Randomize
