So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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