Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
