Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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