You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
