Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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