I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
high people should be assigned attendants
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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