please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
